Matt and I temporarily upgraded our cable in preparation for the Winter Olympics. Must. Have. Full. Apolo. Coverage. It’s generally just the same crap on more channels, but there are a few gems out there. I was particularly curious about a recent episode of 16 and Pregnant. I had heard about this particular episode from one of the adoption agencies we recently interviewed. Normally I would not subject myself to the irony of a show based on accidental pregnancies, but this episode was really touching. It followed a girl, her boyfriend, and family as she considered and eventually made an adoption plan for her baby. I actually cried for most of the episode. It broke my heart in so many different ways, and was beautiful in so many different ways. It gave me a lot to think about.

If you are looking for a great way to kill an hour, I highly recommend it. Like, for real.

Our orientation meeting with the agency is one week away! I alternate between being totally elated and being totally overwhelmed. Elated that we can finally begin the application process, officially. Overwhelmed that we still have so far to go and so much to do before we are holding a baby. Anxious that there will be some sort of red flag we encounter at the meeting that will cause us to be at square one on choosing an agency. Sometimes it feels like we have already been on this road for so long, been waiting so long, and we haven’t even really begun. I already feel so beaten up, emotionally, that I wonder how much more I will be able to handle, knowing that it’s going to have to be a lot.

A friend asked me the other day if I am actually as bitter as I often sound on my blog. The truth is … yes? I know that it’s not my right to start a family with the same ease as everyone else. God never promised me that. We live in a fallen, messed-up world and all kinds of things, all around us, are not how they should be. I guess that it is hard coming to grips with what I always wanted/desired/assumed for my life and what God has planned for it. I will not have a house brimming with little boys that look like their dad, spaced two years apart. I may not even ever have more than two kids. And sometimes, as I try to process that, I feel shafted. Shortchanged. Bitter. Everyone else gets what they want, why not me? Thankfully, my friend Heather helped to put it into perspective for me the other day by reminding me that children are not the ONLY gifts and blessings God gives. And that is true. God has blessed my life immensely in other ways. I am thankful for that and try not to take that for granted.

Yet I cannot ignore the damage there is in my heart. We decided to make an appointment with a couples/infertility counselor to make sure our heads are on straight when we begin the adoption process. (I know, thank God, you’re thinking)  I cannot expect a baby to heal my heart, that’s not their job. I want to get to a place where my anger and bitterness does not prevent me from enjoying my life, from rejoicing with my pregnant or family-blessed friends.

It’s been a rough week for me, with an unshakeable migraine, some unexpected dental work, a seemingly endless amount of work, and a really difficult dog. I know, the dog part sounds sort of pansy. You don’t know my dog. Hopefully things around here will get a lot more interesting in about a week. Stay tuned!

When I started this blog,  I decided that I would try to share as honestly as possible. I knew the road ahead was going to be long and difficult, and I didn’t want to pretend like everything was sugar and spice. What I have found is that there are a LOT of people that are right here with me. I do no believe that God causes bad things to happen to us. I DO believe that he can use the hardship we go through to somehow bless and help others who are going through the same thing, perhaps later or perhaps at the same time. We are foolish to think that our life challenges have never been faced before by someone else.

I have made a point to reach out to anyone who has been in my shoes. Infertile? Let’s have lunch! You adopted? Tell me about your agency! Other people have already drawn the map on how to get from here to there. And I so desperately want to get to there.

I had dinner with my friend who is foster-adopting this weekend. It was such a blessing to hear how God led them right to where they were supposed to be, which ended up being so very far from where they ever expected to be – and so very far beyond their wildest dreams.

And I got a very encouraging note from a friend that simultaneously brought me to both sad and happy tears:

“…May you also find peace in the knowledge that He has known since the beginning of time the exact moments that Baby Meurer will be born, will enter into your home, will be held in your arms, will be kissed by you and Matt, will smile for the first time, take his/her first step, and say “I love you Mom and Dad”.”

As I look back over the last few months, I can see how God has orchestrated these very moments. He has surrounded me with the people I will need to talk to, at just the right time. He has given me the experiences, relationships, and interactions that will be critical landmarks on my journey. Sometimes, they have been in place for years.

If you asked me even just 5 years ago if I could ever imagine my life looking like it does now, I would have laughed in your face. But as hard as my days often are, I am still grateful for everything in my life. I may not have all the whys figured out yet, and I might not until I am standing at the gates of heaven. So I am asking God to take us where he leads, knowing that it will be so much better than where we would have gone by ourselves.

Not really much going on here. Well, that’s not exactly true. I got lots of news this week, some of it really exciting and some really sad. Still trying to sort all that out in my head. Will report back when I can communicate things appropriately.

But today I got my first issue of Adoptive Families in the mail. Thanks mom! Love it so far.

Also, I enjoyed A+A Adopt A Baby’s post on adoptive breastfeeding.

Oh yeah. I just went there.

Today is my 28th birthday. It has been kind of a hard day. I joke about how scared I am at being so close to 30, but I really don’t care. At least the students on campus have stopped trying to hit on me. I think that one of the reasons why this whole situation is so hard for me is that I feel so left behind. Many of our friends are on their second or third kid. They talk about babysitters, sleep schedules, and preschool. They can’t stay out past 8 pm. Sometimes I stand around thinking, does anyone want to talk about semantically meaningful xhtml tags? No? How about that 10 mile run in the snow? Probably not. My mom called earlier because she found coloring books for a steal and wanted to know if I wanted some. I use them for gifts and visiting children, so I was excited for the news. But I was thinking, I wish those were for my kids.

When Matt and I got married four and a half years ago, one of his cousins (Hi Phillip! Do you read this blog?) pulled us aside and recommended that we come up with an answer to the “when are you going to have kids?” question. It didn’t have to be true – just be prepared, have an answer. We arbitrarily chose seven years. I never really thought we would make it that long without kids. I figured we would get all the partying, drinking, and traveling our of our systems (kidding! sort of!) pretty soon and start a family. Or I would accidentally get knocked up (happens all the time, right?) and it would happen sooner than we expected. I can’t say that I regret having waited a few years. We have had a really good time together doing things you can’t do when you have kids. I don’t think either of us was ready. But sometimes, on days like today, I wish we hadn’t waited so long. Was the travel, careers, and carefree evenings worth it? Why didn’t we get tested sooner? Why am I having such a hard time just being in the wonderful life I have now?

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend that traveled a very long and difficult road to get to her baby. There was a lot of loss and disappointment. If I had been her, I would have given up at some point along the way. She is expecting her second now, sort of miraculously. When she talks about her little girl, I can see the joy she brings to her life. I know she would never want to repeat the trials she went through, but I know she thinks that her girl was worth it. She was one of the first people I told about our issues and decisions, because I knew she would understand. She has helped me think through some things that not many people ever have to consider.

My mom left me a message today that said, “You were the best thing that happened to me in 1982″. I think I get that now. Sometimes it’s really hard to believe that all of this will be worth it. I am trying hard to remember that God has a very special, made-for-us-not-by-us child out there. They have an amazing story and I will get to be a part of it. I spend a lot of time wondering where we stand on our story’s time line. I really hope we are near the good part. We have been tempted to take some shortcuts, or try to write our own ending. I know you can’t rush a good story, I just wish they didn’t take so damn long.

I do my best to follow current music – who is making new records, who is getting back together, who is on tour. But when I heard that Whitney Houston was making a comeback, I was all, Whitney? Say what?

Whitney Houston practically sang the soundtrack to my young adolescent life. I would load up her cassettes in my brick-sized walkman, grab my rollerskates, head to the park up the street, close the doors to the tennis court, and pretend like I was Kristy Yamaguchi. I should be fair though. I would sometimes alternate Ms. Houston’s cassettes with the Toni Braxton tapes I swiped from my dad’s boom box. I still haven’t quite figured out the logic behind a southern, white, missionary listening to Toni Braxton, but whatever.

So as if you didn’t already know more about me than you care to, just imagine a pale-faced, chubby, sixth grader with hair down to her butt, skating to the likes of Whitney Houston in a deserted neighborhood park. Yeah. I think the long stretch of millimeter-length hedgehog hair in college was to make up for the hair horror of the sixth grade:

That’s right, Kate. I was rocking the hedgehog long before you even considered implanting that sixth embryo into your tired uterus.

Anyway. Where was this post going? Oh right. Whitney Houston. Her latest single “I look to You” (written by none other than R. Kelly!) makes at least one appearance on my iPod playlist every time I run. I know, I know, what kind of runner listens to Whitney Houston? Good thing I am not really a runner so much as a recreational jogger. Whew. I just wanted to share the lyrics with you, since that seems to be what my friend Nicole is thinking about lately.

I look to you

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song
I look to you

Have to lose my breath
There’s no fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I’ve taken
Led to my regret
And I don’t know if I’m go’n make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song
I look to you

My levees are broken
My walls are coming down on me
My rain is falling
Defeat is calling
I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me!

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song
I look to you

As we wait for our February 4 orientation meeting with the agency, there isn’t much news on the adoption front here. So I thought I would use this time to address some Frequently Asked Questions and Frequently Assumed Information about our adoption.

Are you doing domestic or international adoption?
Domestic, for a variety of reasons. International adoption is decidedly more complicated, time-consuming, costly, and sometimes more corrupt. One of the biggest reasons we chose to pursue domestic adoption is that we want an open adoption. When babies get abandoned at train stations (as is the case in China), there is no hope for an open relationship between child and birth parents. We have not ruled out the international adoption option for the future, however.

I bet as soon as you adopt, you are going to get pregnant! It happened to my friend/sister/woman on the subway.
It would truly be a miracle if we were to get pregnant on our own. And your suggestion kind of offends me. It is true that adoption was our second choice, but it is not second best. Our adopted child will not be a consolation prize. We are happy and excited to be adopting, and we are not moving forward with a sad heart. In fact, if I were to get pregnant right now, I would be a little disappointed. I think that says a lot about where my heart is.

What if you don’t like the child they give you? Can you send it back?
Actually, in an open adoption, the birth mother chooses who will be the parent for her child. We will all get to meet and decide if it is a good match. But since your child always lives up to your expectations, you probably never considered sending it back. Or taking a vacation. Or having a night out.

I hope you don’t get a crack baby.
Actually, we have a great deal of control over what kind of situations we are comfortable with. We will decide what we think we can handle: ethnicity, medical background, family background, and drug exposure.

I hope the birth mother doesn’t try to take the baby back.
May I suggest you stop watching so many Lifetime movies? It is very, very, rare that such a situation can occur. And that is why we are so interested in finding an agency that ethically counsels their potential birth mothers about their adoption decision.

It’s so great that you are adopting – there are so many children that need homes.
This is true to an extent. Currently there are approximately 120,000 children literally languishing in the Foster Care system. These are children who are legally free for adoption. Many of them are over the age of 5, with emotional or physical difficulties. Those children, along with the international children, are the true orphans.  The domestic system is a bit different. People who are waiting for a healthy, Caucasian child will be waiting for a long time — because there are more hopeful parents than available children. Those who are happy to accept a minority-race or special-needs child are in for a much shorter wait, as the balance is reverse in those situations.

How long are you going to have to wait?
We have no idea. It could be one month. It could be two years.

I think that covers all the recent questions and assumptions we have heard lately. Anyone have any more they want to talk about?

A couple months ago I made an appointment with my doctor’s PA to get some stitches removed. There had been an incident involving a loaf of bread, a knife, and my thumb (If I invite you over for lunch, you should be prepared to take me to the ER.). The PA was looking at my chart and noted that I had been prescribed prenatal vitamins.

“Yeah, I’m not taking those anymore. We recently found out we’re infertile.”

“Oh.” Awkward silence. Averted eyes. “Well, let’s see about those stitches, shall we?”

I’m sorry, is this making you uncomfortable? Come on, I kept it together this time and my voice didn’t even crack. But sure, let’s change the subject. Wait a second. You’re a doctor. My doctor. Aren’t you supposed to be particularly fascinated by medical abnormalities? Don’t you even want to know why we can’t conceive? So you can write it in my chart? What if I have cancer? Or, like my mother suggested (hi, Mom!), maybe they nicked my ovaries when they removed my spleen 15 years ago. But okay, let’s change the subject.

The other day, I was back seeing my regular doctor (nothing says Happy New Year like a pap smear!), and after the requisite comment on my astoundingly low blood pressure, she noted that there was record of some new tests.

“Yeah, those were from the fertility clinic.” I decided to cut to the chase and blurted out the diagnosis. “We’re currently pursuing adoption.” She proceeded to make some suggestion about donation and surrogacy, and I think I actually rolled my eyes. “We’re currently pursuing adoption.”

“Oh, congratulations!”

I learned my lesson from last time and just made some jokes about all the money we wasted on birth control all these years. And the booze I can now drink. Lord knows I need some.

Apparently even doctors get uncomfortable when talking about infertility (and adoption, too!). It’s like some dirty word, those things we never speak of. People must think we are just going to spontaneously combust and they won’t know how to clean up the pieces. Or what if she melts into a puddle of tears? I forgot my mop today!

I am finding these awkward conversations are becoming pretty common. When appropriate, we are telling people of our adoption plans. You can see their heads spinning, trying to come up with the appropriate response, trying to figure out why we would be doing that. Maybe they can’t have kids. I didn’t know they were rich. Don’t they know the birthmothers always want them back? I hope they don’t get a crack baby.

Yes, our infertility makes me sad. How would you feel if you knew you would never win a Fallopian Tube of the Month award? But when I am going about my daily routine, when I am driving in my car, when I am laying awake at night, what I think about is my child. What will she look like? When will he be born? How am I going to handle taking care of an infant on top of everything else? How should I decorate the nursery? Will my family love this child as much as I will?

So when you think about it, I’m not that different from a real, live, pregnant woman. I’m even thinking about wearing a prosthetic baby bump for 9 months (or two years, depending), so I can feel more like a legitimate mother-to-be. What do you think? I think it might just work.

First, welcome to all my new LFCA visitors. I just recently found that community and am really glad I did. I can easily get lost for a few hours on all the great blogs out there. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror when I read many of your blogs!

And on to the point of this post: books! Since we started exploring the idea of adoption a few months ago, I have been reading any material I can get my hands on. Thankfully, many of the agencies we have visited have provided reading lists for us. In fact, the agency we think we will be working with even has a few “required” books (denoted in *). I just wanted to share these books with you, in case you are looking for more info or resources. Or if you’re my friend and want to learn why I am so crazy,

Dear Birthmother* by Kathleen Silber & Phylis Speedlin
This was the first book I ever read about adoption, lent to me by an adoptive mother (hi Yvonne!). This book advocates open adoption by debunking four common adoption myths and uncovering the realities of adoption from multiple perspectives. Real, moving letters between birth mothers and adoptive parents are used to tell this emotional story. Issues touching all members of the adoption triad are examined: infertility, loss, grief, relationships. I bought this book for my mother for Christmas. I recommend it as a good overview book for anyone wanting to learn more about the realities of adoption.

The Family of Adoption* by Joyce Maguire Pavao
This book is a bit more academic than Birthmother, but still an important read. It examines the adoption experience from all three perspectives, giving special attention to the children. It devotes a chapter to each important developmental stage in the adopted child’s life – exploring common issues and conversations they will have as they grow up. Pavao’s years of psychological training and experience have given her some powerful insights into what makes adoption a successful, enriching experience. Once particular passage in the Epilogue really stuck with me – it was upon reading this that I really became convinced of the beauty of adoption:

Many years ago in Hawaii, I was one of two keynote speakers at a conference, both of us adopted. The gentleman went first. He was native Hawaiian, and in Hawaii there is an ancient custom of adoption called hanai. In a Hawaiian marriage, when you become “related” to the in-law family, you are then considered one family, and you would not “war” against each other. The same is true in hanai — if you place your child with another family, the two families become connected, and are considered one large extended family. This Hawaiian adopted person opened the conference with loud drums and chanting. It was beautiful—stunning—and it went on for quite a while. The entire audience sat very still and listened, mesmerized.

When he had finished, he stated that he had just recited the names of his ancestors. He had chanted the lineage of both his family by birth and his family by adoption. He said that it is a great honor to be a hanai person, as you are the reservoir that holds the lineage of two great families; you are the place and the person where they connect and become one extended family. It is a prestigious position to be the connector of two families.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolf
This is an easy, honest, humorous read that does just what it’s title suggests. Jana Wolf chronicles in true honesty her journey to become an adoptive mother. She says “out loud” what many of us are too ashamed to admit we think and feel. I found most striking her last few chapters when she talked about race and culture. Jana and her husband are caucasian, and their child is mixed, looking primarily African American. She talks about the challenges of a white person trying to teach her child about a culture that isn’t hers.

Parenting with Love and Logic* by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
This book has nothing to do with adoption, but I love love love it. Love and Logic is a parenting approach that allows children to make their own choices within loving boundaries. They are then allowed to experience the consequences of those choices (good or bad), so that they learn to think for themselves and understand responsibility in a real world context.

Currently working my way through In Their Parents’ Voices: Reflections on Raising Transracial Adoptees by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda. This book is a series of interviews with Caucasian parents who raised bi-racial or African American adoptees. It explores issues of identity, race, culture, and racism. So far, it is very powerful and has given me a lot to think about.

Up next: The Open Adoption Experience by Melina and Roszia.

Sorry that was such a boring post. I will come up with something more interesting next time.