First, welcome to February’s ICLW (international comment-leaving week). I know there are some new readers out there, and even more regulars who just lurk around. Now’s your chance to de-lurk yourself! If you are new to this blog, you can read a bit more about me on the our story page.

So fellow adoption blogger Nicole recently passed on this clever little award:

Award Rules:

1. Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2. Copy the award and place it in your blog
3. Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4. Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5. Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs

Thanks for the nod, Nicole! Nicole’s blog was one of the first infertility/adoption blogs I started reading back when our journey started. It has been a great encouragement to me, and sometimes I feel like we are walking the same road, but at different times. The exciting news for her right now is that she is expecting her baby girl to join her family any day now!

Ok, so especially for the new readers out there, here are 7 interesting things about me:

1. I have no spleen. It grew to be five pounds and, along with the auxiliary one growing off it, was removed when I was 14. They never figured out why it grew to be so large.
2. I live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where we love the Steelers, the Penguins, and french fries on our sandwiches. We are trying really hard not to get too upset about Sid the Kid playing for the Canadian Olympic hockey team. Now that you know where I live, please don’t stalk me. I have no money.
3. I run my own graphic design business, Muffinman Studios, and teach web design part time at Carnegie Mellon University.
4. A perfect day for me would be: Sleep in, have breakfast, go for a run with the dog, walk to the pool for a swim, have chili for lunch, take a nap, read a book, cook dinner, play Settlers of Catan with Dale and Hannah, and hang out with Matt on the porch with a glass of wine.
5. I love chili. It is my favorite food in the world. I make a huge pot of it on the weekends and eat it every day for lunch. Wendy’s chili fills the void when my fridge is empty. If you want to cheer me up on a bad day, bring me some chili.
6. In another life, I wish I had been a professional swimmer or speed skater. Or roller derby chick.
7. My parents met and married in Africa. We hope to one day adopt from there.

Ok, onto my nominations:

1. Heather at Production, Not Reproduction
2. Maru at Adoption Journey.
3. Luna at Life from Here: Musings from the Edge
4. Love You Already
5. The Sheldons at God’s Faithfulness Through Infertility.
6. Julie at a little pregnant
7. Dale and Hannah

These blogs have helped me in more ways than I can say. From the beginning of our journey, I turned to others who had been in our shoes to help me process our feelings and decisions. Most of you don’t even know me, but thanks for helping me through your blogs.

So yesterday I was in the doctor’s office for my physical for the adoption application. Basically, they just want to make sure I am generally healthy and don’t have any transmittable diseases (still waiting on the blood work to come back, you might want to keep your distance till then). I was called from the waiting room by a beautiful, tiny, cheerful nurse. She was asking me the basic pre-exam questions, and wanted to know why I was in the office. I told her I was getting a physical for an adoption.

“Congratulations! I will be praying for you! You know, I wanted to do adoption, but there were some problems with the dad. He wouldn’t sign the papers.” she said.

I think I actually blacked out for a minute. I couldn’t process everything she said right away. First of all, she was actually excited for me. I could hear in her voice some sort of knowing. I glanced down at her midsection and realized that she was, indeed, pregnant. Second, I really think she meant it, when she said she would be praying for me. Finally, all I could think was, OMG, I am talking to a potential birth mother!!

“Wow, that must have been hard. So you are going to parent?” I stammered.

“Well, I already have one. I have a daughter at home. She is so spoiled!” she replied. She had such a nonchalance about the whole thing. I did not sense any grief or pain on her part. We went on to chat about the agency we had chosen, open adoption, and my astoundingly low blood pressure (could someone just make a note of it, please?!). She again expressed how excited she was for us, and she meant it. She seemed to truly have positive feelings about adoption.

This interaction, while seemingly small, was huge for me. Just the day before I was talking to the adoption counselor about my extreme feelings of guilt and grief over the idea of taking someone else’s baby. She said that my sense of empathy was a little overdeveloped, that perhaps I was projecting some of my own infertility grief onto birth mothers. Yes, I need to understand the situation of my child’s potential birth mother. But how would I ever have a healthy relationship with her if all I ever felt was sadness? How would I ever feel like that child is mine, that I am entitled to parent him, if I feel like I stole him? She had a point there.

I have been reading a lot of birth mother blogs lately, and I think it’s been messing with my head. All I get to see is small snippets of their life, their grief. I do not know the whole story. And their story is not the story of my child’s birth mother. I need to understand that I have chosen an agency that is ethically helping these families make good decisions about their children. And that whether or not they feel grief or pain, I am not the one that is causing it. They are choosing me to parent their children. I do not have to carry their pain.

I know that right about now, my mom is thinking, Hilary you always were a little sensitive.

Anyway. I really cherish those few moments I had with that nurse. God knows what I need to resolve some important issues before I am really ready to welcome a baby into my home. My baby.

I went on to have a somewhat frustrating conversation with the doctor (what do you mean, you’re going to tell them they’re adopted?!), found out I have not been doing drugs, and was discharged to get my bloodwork done. Not bad for a Friday afternoon.

Yesterday we had a meeting with the head of the adoption program at the agency. We turned in almost our entire application!

We also took some time to talk with her about where we are emotionally, and she helped us determine our readiness to move forward. She gave us some new perspectives on some of the emotions we are experiencing. It was such a relief to talk honestly with someone who really understands where we are coming from, as well as the process and realities of infertility and adoption. I am SO glad we chose the agency we did. We are going to move forward with our application and the education classes, and are going to check back in with her towards the end of April.

But the good news is that everything we feel is normal, and that we actually have a really good perspective on things in general. We aren’t crazy!!

This is a story that has nothing to do with adoption. Or infertility.

A few months ago, I noticed some mouse turds in one of the kitchen drawers. I cleaned them up and decided to just wait to see if they reappeared. I hoped the little squirt that left them had since moved on to greener pastures. But the other day, I was standing at the kitchen window, watching the dog run circles in the back.  I heard a faint squeaking noise, and assumed some squirrels were terrorizing the dog in the yard. I told Matt to turn off the TV for a minute, and listened very closely. I froze in panic as I began realizing it was coming from the oven. The oven? The one I use every day? How could there possibly be a mouse in there? I called Matt in and we pulled the oven away from the wall to find a HUGE pile of turds and a few pieces of dog kibble. The little squeaker had been camped out under the stove, surviving on stolen morsels of venison and sweet potato. Anyway, a few moments later we saw a tiny gray blur go shooting across the kitchen floor to a crack underneath the cabinets. We briefly discussed what to do, and I insisted that we find a way to solve the problem without killing our new friend. Matt didn’t really seem on board with this idea.

Fast forward to last night. I was awoken at 1 am to the dog whining. I assumed she had to be let out, so I started begrudgingly dragging myself out of bed when I noticed Matt was not in bed. Not too strange, I thought, he probably just fell asleep on the couch watching the Olympics. As soon as I opened the bedroom door, however, I was hit with the overwhelming stench of smoke. Still half asleep, I thought, oh God, my husband is probably downstairs engulfed in flames on his birthday. Did I leave the oven on? Will I still get the insurance money? Damn, now I am never going to have kids. I managed to stumble to the bathroom, where Matt was casually washing his face.

“Do you smell that?! There is smoke! Something is BURNING!!!” I started screaming.

“Relax,” he said, “I just turned the oven on to Broil to get the mice. They were making noise. There are more than one. They’ve been busy. [ok, I said this wasn't about infertility, but clearly it is not our house that bears the curse] Didn’t you hear the smoke detector?”

I was too tired to really have a rational conversation, so I made him promise that he had not in fact, scorched the mice to death.

In the morning, after greeting Matt with a very heartfelt Happy Birthday, I explained to him that again, you can’t just go scorching mice. He again tried to explain that he was just trying to “smoke ‘em out” (forgive the pun), and that he bought some traps. At 1 am in the morning.

So the saga continues. Happy Birthday, my special mouse-killer! I promise not to mention this during our Home Study.

I just wanted to pop in to share a blog that I recently discovered. The author is a birth mother, and she writes about her experiences in open adoption. I love it. Go read it.

The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Yesterday I was on the phone catching up with an old friend, and as is typically the case these days, our conversation turned to adoption and eventually infertility. I was describing some of the reasons why we chose not to pursue IVF, and she actually understood. It was sort of surprising, just to actually have someone understand me for once. Sometimes, when people hear we are adopting, or when they read my angst-ridden blog, they ask,“Hey! Did you guys ever think about IVF?”.

Actually, we did. And we chose adoption.

But, for the sake of a mind-numbingly boring post, let me lay out why we did not choose it for us right now. I believe God has led us to adopt. But I believe he used these concrete reasons to lead me away from IVF.

1. For anyone that has know me for an extended period of time, you know that my medical history is long and colorful. While a fit, and healthy individual now, I have had periods in my life where I was not. And frankly, weird stuff still happens to me. The idea of getting jacked up on dangerously high doses of hormones so that my poor ovaries can go into super-grow mode sounds really unpleasant, and frankly, risky for me.
2. Harvesting eggs and implanting embryos is highly invasive. It requires sedation. And pain. One basting was enough for me.
3. There is the issue of the extra embryos. Try as I might to say it’s not life, if I say that I believe life begins at conception, I am going to have to stand by that. Discarding, donating, or giving the embryos to science didn’t seem like viable options. Freezing for later seemed so unknown.
4. Using this highly-advanced scientific procedure, while admittedly cool, to make a baby, seems so unromantic. Knowing my child started in a petri dish seems sort of strange to me. While I have read some very good arguments why IVF is not playing God, I am still having a hard time getting past that idea. Whatever happened to having sex and getting knocked up?
5. Risk of multiples. Now, I am no Octomom and my clinic is responsible, but they would probably want to implant 2 embryos into me. That means there could be as many as 4 babies (in a very rare case). Now, I know you’re thinking, twins are so cool! But multiple births are risky, and while I would be blessed to have them, raising two babies sounds really hard. Especially since I would like to continue working.
6. There are no guarantees. Not that adoption is a sure thing, but just because you baste yourself with an embryo, doesn’t mean it will implant.
7. There are no guarantees. If there is one thing I have learned in the past year, it’s that not all pregnancies go to term. I am just not sure I want to go through that.
8. My desire for biological children was overshadowed by my desire to be a parent. Sure, I would have liked to have a half-Hilary, half-Matt child, but my idea of “my child” has grown beyond that.
9. I was afraid adoption would become our “backup plan” if IVF didn’t work, and we would be so broken and burned out by the time we got there. I just didn’t know if I had it in me to get that far.

Please don’t get me wrong. I completely support anyone who has chosen IVF. It is a wonderful option that we have. I always said that if it came down to it, I would never consider IVF. But I did. The desire to have biological children is strong and adoption is not for everyone. And if you happen to be one of the people who has asked me if we have ever considered IVF, I actually welcome your questions. These are just my reasons, and I am sure that to some there are flaws in them. I know that the path we have chosen will also be hard, in some ways much more so, for a lifetime. But I am confident that adoption is right for us, is the choice we have purposely made, and we are delighted to be pursuing it.

Friday we were hit with two feet of snow, so we hunkered down for several hours this weekend and started in on our paperwork. Emphasis on the started. That package of supplies that Dale and Hannah gave us has already come in very handy. We managed to actually complete about 10% of the required application materials, with another 20% now tucked away in the “incomplete” folder. As we are toiling away, trying to recollect every address we have ever had, every job we’ve ever worked, every roommate’s middle name (if you are one of my 15 roommates, please, what is your middle name?), I did feel some sense of accomplishment, like I finally had a shred of power over this process. At least until the next deadline.

But there were some questions that took a bit more work. What was the relationship between you and your mother as a child? How would you characterize your relationship now? What kind of discipline was enforced in your home as a child? How do you plan on disciplining your child? How did your parents deal with sex and sex education? Who will care for your children if you and your partner both pass away? What is your role in your marriage? (I had a tough one with that, as cook and nag were noticeably missing from the list)

And on and on. So sometime around listing my employment history for the third time, I began thinking, is this worth it?

I have heard it more than once – It’s not fair that you have to go through all that just to get a kid. You guys are so qualified to be parents. Generally, I respond by saying, They just want to be sure we are providing a safe and loving home. And if I was an expectant parent considering adoption, I would want to make sure the home my child is going to is as well. And truthfully, I really do believe all of this is worth it for the child.

But imagine with me, if you will, a world where this same process was required of every single parent-to-be. As in, you must complete an application, homestudy, and attend a four-week series of seminars before you can have that baby. If you don’t pass, you cannot keep your child. Better yet, what if we made everyone go through this before they had sex. As in, the government holds the keys to your medieval-style chastity belt. Not fit to be a parent? You have a criminal background? STDs? No sex for you! I am fairly certain the earth’s population would be reduced by half. Just think of the implications for global warming, world poverty, the AIDs epidemic, and the global economic crisis! Abortion wouldn’t even be an issue, as nobody would have an unwanted or unexpected pregnancy! We wouldn’t have huge Christian organizations wasting precious resources on manipulative Superbowl ads!

I think I am really on to something here.

But what I really meant was is it worth it for me? There is no doubt that this is a good system for the child. But my musings were strictly selfish. How badly do I want to be a parent? Do I have the physical and emotional fortitude to stick this out and see it through? Will I even have enough left in me to actually be a parent when the time finally comes? I do not have the luxury of having a romantic romp under the sheets with my love and producing some adorable offspring. I have to want it. Badly enough to give hours of my time, tens of thousands of my dollars, and answer hundreds of invasive, personal questions.

I generally hate it when people make analogies between pregnancy and adoption, but I think one might be appropriate here. Please do NOT tell me you know what it’s like to wait, 9 months is just not the same as 3 years. I will punch you in the face. But back to analogy. You go through this horrible, hours-or-days-long pain of labor to give birth. And then you do it again. And again, and again. All I can figure is that it must be worth it, the being a parent, or you would not subject yourself to the horror of labor all over again. I sincerely hope that’s what it’s like on my side too. Just with a much longer labor.

Well, the meeting at the agency met and exceeded our expectations. It was hosted at their beautiful, state-of-the-art facility (they are also a pediatric special needs hospital and daycare — thanks Mario Lemiex!), and was very professional yet caring. It was a far cry from the first two agency meetings we attended, one of which was actually in someone’s dingy basement. But on the other hand, it was sort of strange to be surrounded by 50 of our infertile competitors. The awkwardness in the room was so intense that it felt like we were all naked.

The meeting began with the basic staff introductions, and proceeded through a fairly packed 3-hour agenda. We learned about the process of adoption through the agency, the application, the homestudy, the benefits of open adoption, assessing our readiness in adoption, the demographics of birth families, our required reading, the contracts, the cost schedules, and possible adoption scenarios. The best part of the meeting was the panel discussion at the end, attended by an adoptive family and a birth mother. It was so great to hear their perspectives and their experiences.

It was very clear that this agency’s priority is the best interest of the child. It was also very clear that they are providing the counseling, guidance, and resources to the expectant parents for them to make the best choice for themselves and their child, regardless of whether that includes an adoption plan.

In other words, this IS our agency.

We received our application materials and learned that the next phase, educational seminars, begin at the end of March. According to their schedule, that means that a best case scenario might have us being done with our Home Study by June or July. Then the wait really begins!

We have a LOT to get ready by the end of March. GO GO GO!

Today is the day of our orientation meeting at the agency. This meeting will give an overview of their programs, answer questions, and feature a discussion panel attended by an adoptive family and a birth mother/family. We will also receive our application materials. I woke up this morning thinking I had heartburn, but realized, it’s just anxiety! That stomach-twisting, slightly-nauseated, something-is-wrong-with-me-should-I-go-to-the-hospital sort of feeling. I experienced it frequently in college, right before walking down the aisle, and right before being basted like a turkey.  I don’t really have any concrete reason to be nervous, but the meeting feels like a really big deal because we believe that it will officially start our “timeline”.

Also, a pleasant surprise was waiting on my porch this morning:

Dale and Hannah dropped off a “Bring Baby Meurer Home” package for our big day. It felt like a really big deal because it was the first “baby gift” we have received. I am trying to be really careful about leaving the idea of a baby as a somewhat abstract concept right now. No clothes, no nursery, no names. There is too much time, unknowns, and other important work to be done before I can let myself get more emotionally involved. I feel like I am cheating when I let myself fantasize or plan for an actual baby.

Anyway, here are some of the things included in the package: Pens – for all the paperwork; White Out – in case we make a mistake; Tissues – we will need them; Snacks – to sustain us during late night paperwork sessions; A Gumball Machine – hoping we have a baby before we eat all the gumballs; Tylenol – for all the headaches; A game of Toss Up – because, well…

So I hope to have an update on the meeting soon. In the meantime, I want to encourage you to read this article my friend Katie sent me. A very important and beautiful perspective on adoption.